Grieving For What We Have Lost

(posted in blog)

Fear, worry, anxiety, panic... these are the emotions that I expected to envelop me right now. Sitting in the midst of a slow motion disaster that I have felt was coming. Not having a bunker stocked with the 5000 serving shelf stable barrel of Costco rations, automatic weapons, and a god damned life-straw™ plus having children (12 and nearly 16 years old) and parents in their seventies, I should feel ALL of those things. My BP should be 150/90 with a heart rate to match. Wolfing down my tiny hoard of protein pasta, canned beans, and protein bars -- screaming as the sheer mass of all the corona-covid-coverage eats cancerously into my cortex, I should be dead already. But I am not. My BP is normal and my Apple Watch tells me that my resting heart rate is still in the 50s. How is this possible?

I think I have the answer:

  1. I was freaked out 6 weeks ago - I knew that we were headed this way - this is not a shock to me anymore I am 6 weeks jaded
  2. I am grieving
Grief is hard. I have been lucky and not had a hefty helping of grief yet in my life. My parents, my brother, my children, my friends are all ok, my own health is ok. I have had cats die (it sucks, bad), I got divorced (super not fun), and I have had the trauma of being dumped from work after pouring all I have into it and the people that worked for me (that is a story for another day), but I find that now I am truly grieving. I am sad for all that has changed in such a short time. The things that I have enjoyed that may never be the same (at least in my lifetime), the small businesses that I love that will struggle and fail, the thousands (millions?) that will suffer, the sheer hubris/insanity/incompetence of the country that I was born, raised, and lived in all of my life. How did we get here? Why do we prioritize more over better? These are not the parts that I grieve for, The world that we have built to this point is far from perfect. We have been complacent, complicit, and negligent in so many ways. I sit here like so many others having no idea what to do to help. However, even with all of its problems, I grieve for what what is lost. I steel myself to embrace the new, the unknown.

There are many things happening out there that are great and inspiring. Here are some that I have found personally inspiring:

There are also the many wonderful small businesses that are feeling the crunch that are important to me: